Tears

There are days that I wish I could just sit and cry, but I can't. I wish I had time to sit and just think and remember, but I can't. When I do have a few minutes to myself I am thinking of all the things that I need to get done and not enough time to do it....

I did however find time to go to a support group for parents who have lost a child to either miscarriage, full term loss, prematurity, or illness. I have gone before, after each of my miscarriages and I even went while Levi was in the hospital but I had not gone since he came home. I was holding him the other morning and just looking at him and knowing exactly what Grady would like but wondering what Sofy would look like and I realized how sad I was but I could not cry. I wanted to hold Grady and Sofy so badly at that moment that it hurt.

I also tried to remember the day that Sofy was born and I could not, just small things. I remember seeing her little hand in mine and talking to the Dr later that night and then the Dr bringing her to me and taking her off her vent. I want to remember everything, what led up to her delivery, who was my nurse, when did I call my husband but everything that day was a blur. The birth of your child is supposed to be glorious and beautiful but not sad. I knew that when she was born she would die.

The birth of the boys took me by surprise, everything with them had been going so well. I do remember hearing Levi cry but not a sound from Grady. I do not remember my trip to the NICU to see them, or talking to the nurses. I do however, remember the day Grady died and when I think back on that day all I want to do is cry but I find that there are no tears.